Dude. Or carnecito, if you wanna get all Latin aqui.

And I know you do. Because we’re simpatico, hombre. I feel the pain of desperately needing to jump up and down like Gabby Hayes in “Blazing Saddles” and scream at the top of your voice, “Hey, I’m Latino!” because you look so white that you can’t show up to your Tio Pancho’s bbq in shorts without sunscreen.

Sunscreen. How our ancestors weep in the afterlife.

And while you’re at a disadvantage with that giant head and neanderthal neck, at least you have a last name that is easily identifiable as non-white. Only fellow Mexicans (and, of course, Filipinos) recognize “Robles” as a Latin surname, and when they say it correctly (as opposed to rhyming it with “nobles”), it’s like a secret wink or code shared among conspirators.

But that wasn’t enough for you. You had to get all race-y. And now you’ve forced me to call you out on an issue that’s just as big an elephant in the room as race is in this country – dummies.

Sorry, man, but you’re a cretin. A dullard. A bombastic simpleton. Bumblefuck, buffoon, bonehead. Take your pick. Jon Stewart isn’t prejudiced against minorities, he’s prejudiced against dum-dums, and you’re their patron saint.

I’ll spare us both by not citing every single example where you’ve demonstrated a complete lack of intelligence or insight. This clip makes a pretty good summation:

What pisses me off most about this whole episode is that minorities have a higher standard to strive for than gringos, for reasons too sundry to name in this forum. But instead of reaching for the stars, you’ve boldly reached out for the lowest common denominator by not only proving yourself a piss-poor journalist, but a goddamn clown.

I mean, say what you will about Don Lemon, but at least the guy’s got too much smooth to let himself gets tased on-air. Just sayin’. Or what about your other former colleague, Soledad O’Brien? She’s not exactly Ted Koppel, but at least she carries herself with a modicum of dignity.

Oh, but then isn’t Koppel a JEW? Sorry, didn’t mean to rub it in.

In conclusion, I’d just like to say that whatever you end up doing with what’s left of your career, por favor, I beg you – either stop being an idiot or stop cloaking yourself in your cultural identity. You owe it to nuestro gente not to do both at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lhOp1g8YRk

Here’s what I’d call an Arrested Development/”Afternoon Delight” moment in advertising. On first blush, LL Bean’s new ad, using what most will find a genial-sounding, happy, olde tyme-y, folk tune, to accompany the joys of growing up in a family where your parents listen to Ira Glass every weekend. (Mine listened to Vin Scully, but that’s another story … )

Problem is, were these parents to peel the skin off of this onion, they may start cryin’. Take a listen for yourself of the unabridged version of Harry McClintock’s “Big Rock Candy Mountain,” which some might remember from the Coen Brothers film “O Brother Where Art Thou?”

Here are some of my favorite lines:

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
There’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the handouts grow on bushes
And you sleep out every night.
Where the boxcars all are empty
And the sun shines every day
And the birds and the bees
And the cigarette trees
The lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol
Come trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats
And the railway bulls are blind
There’s a lake of stew
And of whiskey too
You can paddle all around it
In a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

Wow. Yep, this is a drunken hobo song. Is this a liability for LL Bean? Doubt it. Just a big hunk o’ irony that the hero of the song is just the kind of person parents are likely to yank their kids’ arms to keep them away from. Homeless people are just so much easier to handle on “This American Life.”

Boy, you really have to admire Steve Balls Jobs. Check out what he had to say this morning at the launch of Apple’s new iPad device and how it manifests the company’s gentle foray into the land of e-books.

According to AppleInsider:

Also introduced was “iBooks,” Apple’s e-book reading application. Jobs credited Amazon with pioneering the e-book market with its Kindle, but said Apple intends to improve on that model.

“We’re going to stand on their shoulders and go a bit further,” he said.

Ha! Of course, this is Jobsspeak for “We’re going to stand on their shoulders and poop on their head. Just sayin’.”

Sascha Segan of PCMag wasted no time in writing the Kindle’s obituary:

The new Amazon Kindle DX has a few weeks to live—and the magazine and newspaper industries may not have much longer. As soon as Apple unleashes the rumored iPad, Amazon‘s attempt at hardware design will vanish quicker than Betamax.

He argues that Amazon doesn’t really want to be in the hardware game, and will continue to thrive by selling content which iPad users will still need.

For its part, Amazon argues that the Kindle will likely be vastly cheaper than the iPad, but the fact that cheap MP3 players litter the market without consuming a significant share of it (compared to the iPod) proves that economy can’t beat sexy.

Oh, please believe that I have a very sharp ideology-based opinion about both Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion ad and CBS’ decision to air it during the Super Bowl this year.

But I think I’ll avoid being Cap’n Obvious this time. If you’re familiar with this blog and my other work, your anticipatory assessment will suffice just fine.

What really matters is … why? And I’m arguing from a completely non-political position. Who thinks this is the appropriate venue for such an ad? Sure, proponents of the sentiment will crow that it’s as good as any. But what about the beer-suckin’, chili-chompin’, funny-ad-watchin’ fair weather fan driving the demo?

In other words, what about me, what do I get?

Bupkus. It’s just like last year, when they ran that Zoloft commercial. You know, the one with the sad little guy, the one that stops your Super Bowl party in its tracks? I mean, God forbid your team is getting its ass kicked when that one comes on, or you’ll be putting that nacho down and reaching for a gun.

Also, what about poor Coors Light or E-Trade or whatever advertiser unfortunate enough to get their hilarious spot (meant to launch an entire campaign and costing millions to produce and air) slotted next to the buzzkill ad of the century? Kinda dims the spotlight on your spot when some genius has just introduced the most divisive issue of our time into the collective American living room, right before yours with the talking monkey.

(And spare me with “That’s the point.” If you think valuable dialogue that moves us forward as a nation is gonna happen with bellies full of booze ‘n’ beanie weenies poised before a demonstration of both militaristic violence and supercondensed capitalism, I’ll assume punditry is not your profession.)

Oh well. Luckily, progress has provided a new tool in exercising democracy and speech equity – the DVR. Tebow is no match for Tivo.

However, if they run that ad during the Puppy Bowl, I’ll be REALLY upset.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o-wLpBQNlg

Oh, the challenges of being an assimilated half-breed Mexican. One must constantly deal with messages of racial insensitivity while bracing for inevitable cultural oversensitivity.

File this one under the latter.

How on earth anyone could construe Orbitz’ “Valet” ad as the former is beyond me. This is what counts for controversy these days? The source of the comedy is the GRINGO, mi gente. The Hernandez’ in question are obviously depicted as upper middle class at worst (they ARE at a place where valet parking is available, after all), and in manner and depiction are no different than gueros.

So where’s the controversy? I don’t know if the company was under external pressure to edit out the pluralization punch line, but edit it out it did, and AdFreak hit the nail on the head in terms of the marketing perspective and how it was a sucky decision. When you’re trying to do cool ads (and I’d argue these have been decent in pre-edit form), whatever cool quotient you gain is not only lost from such a over-reactionary decision, but you actually lose ground.

I think as racial relations and perceptions shift over time, and minorites become not-so-minorities, we need to be carefel not to create controversy just for the sake of it. This won’t be easy for organizations and institutions whose entire existence is owed to centuries of what might charitably be called intentional misrepresentation.

Nevertheless, when it gets to the point that gringos can’t even make jokes that most Mexicans find funny without hearing the same grousing and groaning that was relevant decades ago, those complaints become more oppressive than the assumed bias they seek to “expose.”

And if the best they can do is call out a commercial that shows two attractive Hispanics (hello, as commented on rather more coarsely in the YouTube comments section, Mrs. Hernandez is h-o-t!) acting totally normal, for better and for worse, we might be closer to that point than we know.

Noam Chomsky once noted that for one to be a great purveyor of propaganda, one must truly believe the spiel one is espousing.

If you attach this ethos to marketing, I must be great, based on my ability to be manipulated by an industry in which I’ve made a living.

Case in point: while staring at Jell-O’s new Mousse Temptations spot, I thought, “What a great idea. Yum.” Good job, Jell-O! Pavlovian response achieved, on a copywriter no less!

Moments later, I remembered my enthusiasm for Yoplait’s similar whipped yogurt line (yes, I guess I kind of like that fluffy style). Then I remembered a friend noting that it was a brilliant rip-off by Yoplait, in that all they did was pump a bunch of air into their existing product and sell it to you at a higher price per volume.

Drat! Foiled again!

But apart from the fluffy consistency of the new “mousses,” Jell-O is using a nutritionally responsible tack to position its new product line, tapping into the “Snackwells” market that’s actually thrived since even before my mom ate those unfortunately (in retrospect) named diet candies called Ayds back in the ’70s.

And is all this such a bad thing? Sure, if you’re a tub o’ lard hell-bent on inhaling the world one grocery aisle at a time (like I was most of my life, by the way), you’ll just eat twice as much of it. Jell-O can’t stop you, and they’d be wise not to try to, as you have great hunger, massive bulk, and sharp teeth.

But Americans want to do what they’re told when it comes to consumerism. And while this means they’ll unconsciously eat a bigger McValue meal just ‘cos they paid for it, it also means a cup of pudding is still a cup of pudding, regardless of what it weighs. And some won’t bother to break open a second cup. (A fridge too far!)

Maybe that’s as close to progressive social engineering as we should expect from Jell-O.

Domino’s Pizza is starting the new year with a rather startling ad campaign that confronts their greatest perceived weakness in the marketplace.

They suck, and always have.

After decades of providing an inferior product at low prices to great success, the chain’s new ads depict employees looking like they’ve been stabbed in the heart when greeted with the news that their crust is almost legendary in the American psyche for tasting like cardboard.

I’ve seen some bold rebranding efforts in my time (the little old lady blowing up the old Jack in the Box comes to mind), but I’m racking the old noggin to think of one like this, where the brand isn’t rebooted so much as the actual product line itself.

I’m kind of into it, and would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Cripin Porter & Bogusky pitched the idea to the head muckety-mucks.

I guess because I worked for a company that followed an incomprehensible Dick Cheney model of marketing (“We know that YOU know that we don’t care, and we don’t care.”), but I like the straightforwardness of acknowledging your Achilles’ Hell and pledging to do something about instead of the silliness of pretending it doesn’t exist. Especially for such a well-known brand and such a well-known weakness.

Its competitors have basically had the luxury of running perpetual, decades-long campaign themes based on Domino’s well-earned reputation for crappiness. I haven’t tried the new recipe, but if the chain actually DID make a major improvement in quality, how on earth would Round Table position itself?

And if it doesn’t, at least they look like they’re not clueless about how they’re seen in the public and are attempting to do something about it.

Not that they have much of a choice, according to Forbes.

Domino’s has had its share of criticism this year. The ad effort is the largest from the company since two then-employees in Conover, N.C., filmed themselves preparing sandwiches for delivery. One employee put ingredients up his nose and nasal mucus on the sandwiches. It turned into a digital disaster for Domino’s. The video, which has since been removed from YouTube, attracted more than 1 million views and disgusted many consumers.

Apparently, the Booger Supreme didn’t exactly endear Domino’s to hungry sports fans, and Domino’s might not have a choice but to win over heart, minds, and bellies.

I’ve been slightly obsessed with Christian cartoonist Jack Chick since before I can remember.

In my childhood, his ingenious combination of a fire-and-brimstone message and simple comic book graphics, spoke to me. Unfortunately for him, it spoke to me in a way that didn’t bring me into the flock so much as make me run screaming from it. It was pretty close to the reaction I had to my Uncle Roberto’s black velvet Jesus painting, which depicted Jesus bleeding from the crown of thorns and pleading to the heavens, “WHYYY?!” just like Kurt Russell’s Stuntman Mike in Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof.” (Except admittedly more legitimately so.)

Decades (ugh) later, I was walking down Mission Street with my friend Cara Bruce when I was handed a Chick tract by a Mexican who obviously didn’t realize he was betraying his Catholic roots by handing them out (Chick hates the Church, may God have pity on his soul).

But it wasn’t just any Chick tract – it was THE Chick tract. The Beast.

A coarse, vulgar, violent vision of the Book of Revelation that borders on pornographic in its exploitation. I still have that one on my coffee table, along with others, all handed to me by zealots (I shan’t buy them, heavens no).

So pair that sick obsession with what others might deem an equally sick obsession with Christmas, and voila!

Here’s how Chick the Man himself views the most wonderful time of the year. Strangely enough, one might argue that, between the two of us, his vision might be the more cynical. “People are emotionally vulnerable during the holidays … that’s when you STRIKE!”

Humbug, indeed.

Well, what can I say? Another great “use” of TV time for the unemployed marketing copywriter … keeping up on cool advertising trends!

And it’s not a bad time to be a lookyloo on the landscape of American television advertising right now. With media at large fracturing into a hundred little pieces, the targeting of niche markets has become more focused than ever, and for me, that means more interesting ads.

Here are some that caught all four of my eyes this year:

The Most Interesting Man in the World

An obvious choice, maybe, but sometimes these choices are obvious because they’re the obvious choice. Yeah.

Whatever they paid Euro RSCG/New York, it wasn’t enough. This ad accomplishes every possible goal, including adding so much prestige to a lackluster brand that I almost forget I wouldn’t subject Dos Equis to a mule.

I’m Sorry, Dick Butkus

Not only is this ad funny in and of itself, but the nerdy guy pretty much sums up why I’ve never seen Death Cab for Cutie at the Fillmore. Props to BBDO New York for nailing this into my noggin.

The Meanest Man Ever

Okay, someone call child services! The “Truck” and “Bike” variations of these are good too, but this “Pony” version of Ally Bank’s Jerky Shady Banker campaign from BBH New York is firing on multiple cylinders. First, there’s the joke. Then there’s the jerk. Then there’s the subtle dynamic of the little blonde girl getting the pony while the brunette girl stews.

Subtle where it doesn’t have to be, not subtle where it needs to be. Classic.

Googley Geico

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8m8iwFlqVoA&NR=1

Geico had multiple campaigns going this year, and they all worked for me. Even the latest caveman installment, with the bowling and the awful hokey Three Doors Down track was great. And the office gecko campaign, while hit and miss, had solid ads like “Pip pip, Cheerio!” the temp one with the hissing lizard, and the suction tube. (And the “Catch Me!” one was good, too!)

But this campaign likely got the most attention. A guaranteed “love it or hate it,” either way that tune was glued to you, and the branding doesn’t get lost in the abstraction, which is easier said than done.

Not many agencies could handle having all those, erm, balls in the air for a client, but there aren’t many Martin Agencies, either. (Hire me, hire me, hire me. I promise no ball jokes.)

Big Mac

In 1982′s epic “Conan the Barbarian,” Conan is asked what is best in life. “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

That’s the philosophy of this ad by TBWA/Media Arts Lab. Exploit the weakness of your competitor as ruthlessly as possible. If you can throw in some wit to soften the blow/sharpen the knife, all the better. This one might be a little obvious too, but frankly it would be irresponsible for Apple not to hit Microsoft where it hurts.

Miike Snow's Andrew Wyatt at Popscene.

Last Christmas, my friend Gwen gave me Dave Thompson’s book “I Hate New Music,” his chucklicious classic rock manifesto. It was a half-joke – after all, it was me who first played the Calvin Harris remix of The Ting Tings’ “Great DJ” for our group of friends.

On the other hand, were you to check out the recently played list on my iPod, you’d see Frank Marino and Mahogany Rush. Mustache-and-robe rock. Prog rock. Foghat if you were LUCKY.

But being unemployed all year this year allowed me a lot of time to really reconnect to the world of contemporary music. Being able to listen to KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic five days a week helped … a LOT.

And what did I find the kids are listening to these days? (Cue spit take.) Prog rock?!

Well, not all of it. Obviously, there’s a bunch of fun dancey pop to be had, and I found myself drawn to it for reasons I don’t fully grasp.

But yes, I remember distinctly two moments at the Treasure Island Music Festival, where many of the bands I was casually interested in were appearing. First, the bass player from Grizzly Bear pulled out the same model bass that Chris Squire from Yes and Geddy Lee of Rush used in the ’70s. Second, the realization that, three songs into their set, The Decemberists were going to play their entire new album. A CONCEPT album, no less.

So without further adieu, my favorite musics of the year.

The Decemberists – The Hazards of Love

This album is nothing short of a revelation for me. Before I heard it, I simply would have not believed it possible. In truth, The Decemberists and some of their alt/indie peers have been flirting with elements of progressive rock for a couple of years, as they naturally test the limits of their form and themselves.

But where comparisons of “The Crane Wife” to Jethro Tull were a bit premature, to place this record next to “Thick as a Brick” or even Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” as shocking as that is, makes sense. In the prog-rock continuum, this is easily the most compelling concept album since Marillion’s “Clutching at Straws” more than 20 years ago, and has appropriately taken that record’s place as my drunken late night indulgence.

I had a hard time picking one track from “The Hazards of Love,” since it works best as a whole. But I think this one sums up the shocking nature of this record. The band rocks harder than in previous releases, and here they channel (I shit you not) Deep Purple, with Jenny Conlee throwing in a Jon Lord-esque organ fill!

Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

Grizzly Bear isn’t so much prog rock as they are art rock, and they don’t look backwards to the same influences as The Decemberists. But all the same, I’m both surprised and grateful that they exist.

This track, a version of the single “While You Wait for the Others,” with Michael McDonald (!) guesting on vocals isn’t even on “Veckatimest,” and might be misconstrued as a stunt. But it’s good, check it out.

Miike Snow – Miike Snow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnD9CrsZeOE

Why on earth do I love this record so much? I mean, I DID intend to challenge myself this year, but these guys produced BRITNEY, for god’s sake! And “Silvia” is like an ’09 version of a-ha, supercharged with Autotune!

I just have blinding white memories of hearing this song for the first time on the stoop of my apartment, and it was just so insufferably pretty and the sun was out and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or shit. Same thing happened on the sunny afternoon of my friends’ wedding.

And I think that’s why I listen to music.

Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BJDNw7o6so

More frothy pop, this time a French souffle. I remember Phoenix from the “Lost in Translation” soundtrack, where their enthusiasm stuck out.

They keep that feel going on their new one, and yes, you’ve heard them on that car commercial. Don’t hate.

Passion Pit – Manners

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5i3yQ_zeT8

Sure, with their ridiculously high-pitched vocals, these guys sound as enthusiastic as Phoenix. But I don’t know if I’m reading into it or what, but there seems to be something melancholic under there.

This one’s not one of the better-known ones from “Manners,” but it’s my current favorite. I just love the line: “Nobody knows you the way you know you/But I think I do/Well, I thought I knew/Yeah, I thought I knew”.